Surrender

Over the past week an intense mix of feelings and insights has been stirring within. The warm precious days leading up to Easter are always deeply transformative for me. This time of the year is often filled with moments of deep inner silence and sweeping insight. 

This year has been no different. The usual intensity even increased as we approached the full moon and lunar eclipse during the Easter weekend. I had precious moments of silence and insight, yet this year the highs and lows of extreme oppositional forces engaged in a vigorous battle within like never before…

The impulse to step out and connect was pushing up against the desire to retreat and feel deeply safe in my aloneness. 

The inspiration to create was juxtaposed with the knowing that something big inside of me is calling to die and be liberated. 

The heartfelt desire to open to new love dissonantly lived right beside a new wave of grief for the man I love who is no longer by my side. 

Part of me wanted to take strong action to make things happen, while another part knew I simply needed to be still and accept whatever comes my way. 

Connection and aloneness, creation and destruction, birthing and grieving, intention and acceptance have all been moving through me, vigorously crashing against each other. 

I watched these parts rear their heads. At times one or another were vying for dominance. I observed. I loved them all. I did my integration practices, knowing these battles would indeed pass. I have learned to embrace all of this, and even to celebrate these times for I know these tumultuous interludes can catalyze deep integration and expanded awareness.

Oh, yippee! Another spiritual crisis! Some say these kind of dissonant times are a sign of progress and deepening into being more authentically present and alive. Oh, yippee, again I say.

The inner battle continued until the profound light of the full moon worked its powerful magic on the dark of my deepest shadows. The seemingly oppositional forces momentarily snuggled up to find wholeness, peace and comfort. 

The fiery competitors within decided it was more interesting to form true partnership, and to move and dance together. The clashing about did its powerful work of revealing and breaking up the concretized patterns of thought and feeling that were no longer viable. It was time to make way for weaving and connecting new patterns of wholeness and unity.

The destroyer gave way to the creator this morning.  And, of course, I am both. On this clear Spring day I celebrate both destruction and creation. I allow both to have their way with me, knowing that in surrendering to both of these co-conspirators my greatest aliveness and joy is unleashed.

Surrender ended the inner battle. 

In that scary place of surrendering to the seemingly contradictory forces within, we step forward blindly, never knowing what these forces of destruction and creation may do with us. In the uncertain moments of surrender, we are blind to the future. The goal is unclear. We do not know how everything will turn out. Will we even survive the wild interplay?

Yet the moment we let go of the need to see what the future will bring, we are suddenly more present to what is right here, right now. 

When I courageously embraced these seemingly oppositional forces, they suddenly became unified as two necessary sides of the same coin. 

When I gave up trying to control these forces and simply allowed them to move through me, an invigorating fullness emerged that was deeply comforting. This fullness carried a powerful reminder of the preciousness of the moment….

The sunlight on the cherry blossoms outside my window… exquisite.

The sounds of my dog’s breath as he sleeps at my feet… comforting.

The feel of the pen in my hand… invigorating.

The love pulsing through my heart… expansive.

I am surrendered. I am blind to the future, yet fully present, right here, right now.

On this fine Spring day, I pray for the courage and strength to continue to surrender, and to allow these ever present seemingly oppositional forces find their Oneness within me.

Shining big love,
Ariana

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